Religion Part Two

Five years ago I started taking yoga with my mom and little sister. We would meditate and I would get the same feeling as I would get when I would pray. This made me realize that that peaceful feeling I would get while praying was not from god. A short while after I came to this realization I became pregnant. I know a lot of women feel that when you become pregnant it is this miracle of life growing inside and so much greater than yourself. I did not feel like it was anything other than the natural biological process. I became pregnant because I had sex, not because of this miracle of god that made the sperm swim to the egg. Despite all of these feelings I still held on to the belief in god because that is what I grew up with. When Porter was 4 or 5 months old my sister and I baptised our sons together. I remember standing up there and thinking that I did not believe anything the pastor was saying. Jason and I like and appreciate the traditions of religion so that is why we had Porter baptized. After baptizing Porter I really realized that I just don't believe in god anymore and it was hard to admit to myself. When you grow up believing something it is really hard to come to the realization that none of it is true. I was taught that it is hard to be a christian and stand up for your beliefs in this horrible secular world. Instead, I find that it is hard to not believe in a god and afterlife. It is easy to believe that when you die you go to heaven. There is a comfort in it and a peacefulness that you get if you believe. It is hard to go from believing that to believing that when you die you die, that is it. There is no mythical heaven where we all hang out and play harps with the angels. My mom, older sister and I were driving on the freeway and we passed a wreck where the lady in the car was injured. My mom and sister started talking about how they just pray that that never happens to them and that they pray that god sends his angels around them to protect them. I was thinking to myself that they don't know if that lady was praying the same thing. It does not matter how many angels are around you or how much you pray to god accidents happen. I realize that it is a comfort to them and it is easy and safe to believe that because then you don't have to deal with uncertainty. I would love to walk around this world believing that I was going to go to heaven and that god was going to protect me and that he will answer my prayers. I am not into fantasy and imaginary things and I just can not wrap my mind around this god that is all around us. I remember my mom telling me that god knows everything that I do. I remember my parents telling me not to drink or have sex before marriage because the bible says so. I am determined to raise moral, good, loving children without religion and the idea of sin. There might be a part three.